Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
