Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
