Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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