the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
