she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
