We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
