I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
