i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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