So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
sarcasm needs its own font
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
