did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Come on in and take your pants off
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