too bad you live with your parents still
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
