I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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