im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
