Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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