dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My vagina just recognized that song.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
