why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
