I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
