Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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