worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
