Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
