Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
