I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
