Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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