I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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