you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
