I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
