I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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