yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
