hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
