it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
