I'm lost and stupid without you.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I came so hard my ears popped.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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