I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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