nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
