FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
