Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
