if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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