How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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