that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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