just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
