i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
