Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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