Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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