Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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