you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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