it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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