I wish I only lived at night.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
