In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
