Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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