Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
