I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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