Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
