I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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